In the spirit of thankfulness.

This week has proven to be a bit more of a struggle than the previous ones. There was quite a bit of homework due, and the house seemed to need extra attention with cleaning, but these things are ongoing and I’m used to them by now. What made this week particularly difficult relates to my health. 

When I was 15, after working a summer camp I came home drained, and as usual, got sick. Nothing new. However, after my fever had passed and my obvious symptoms started to go away—there were feelings of illness that did not. Fast forward months and months of Dr’s visits, blood tests, researching, tears, attempted medications, and frustration—the Dr diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia—of course, this couldn’t be proven beyond my continual symptoms and ruling out everything else. Since then, we’ve been treating it as such and life has gone on. I do what I can to relieve the pain and help my body with its poor immune system and such, but in the end, it will always be there. In a way, I’ve become extremely used to it—I rarely even feel the muscle pain anymore unless it’s a really bad day. I’m used to feeling excessively tired and not getting the best sleep all the time. And I antipate the migraines by having Liquid Advil on hand at all times. It’s become part of my lifestyle and I rarely view it as a separate condition or a handicap. In my opinion, everyone gets aches and pains every once in a while—mine are just a bit more consistent and harsh.

 

The reason that I am writing about it today isn’t to dwell on struggle or pain—rather, in light of a rough week physically I am writing to remind myself to be thankful. When I was first diagnosed, I was thankful for the fact that we had finally had something to fix rather than guessing. 

But I was even more thankful that God had allowed something in my life that allows me to encourage others by reflecting on his grace in my life through this matter. It reminds me that I am not capable by myself. 

In fact, I am very feeble—and I have a physical, daily reminder of that. There are times that I feel as though I can just push through it all and accomplish all that I need to and life will be fine. Then in moments when the pain is so great, that I’ve reduced myself to the fetal position in my bed with a drenched pillow and pathetic thoughts that I am reminded I am nothing, only something in the hands of God. I cannot fix my health, but God can give me strength for the day—and he always does. And for this reason, my constant reminder to look to God—that I am thankful. 

I’m thankful for my Mom and Andrew—who have lived with me in these conditions more than anyone—and have given constant grace and care to help me. I’m thankful for the times that I’ve been able to connect with someone that said, “It felt like I was the only one feeling this way—it’s so encouraging to know I’m not alone.” I’m thankful for how it has changed my heart, and my view of God for the better. I’m thankful that I am feeble, that I cannot do it alone, that my circumstances make God’s glory obvious. I’m thankful for the reminder to not be self-focused, and to have a better attitude than I have had lately. 

My life would not be the same without this blessing—and that is what it is, in the truest sense.